The Power of the right pronoun …

Before you go making assumptions, bear this in mind:

You don’t know what it’s like to live every single day feeling like you were born in the wrong body, to have to fight every day, even just to find the strength to get out of bed knowing that today is another day that you will spend trapped in a body that you loathe, in a body that you feel doesn’t and shouldn’t belong to you.

You don’t understand the battles faced every day just to be addressed with the correct pronoun; or how powerless it makes you feel, to know that you had no choice or control over the gender that was created when you were conceived, yet somehow people are still naive enough to think that being trans* is a choice?

In order for you to be able to live life, even just the slightest bit more as the gender that you really are, you spend your life correcting people and explaining yourself, just to try and be accepted that little bit more.

Every day that you can’t be the real you and live your life as the person that you are inside, is another day of hell, another night where you dread waking up the next morning and having to face it all again.

Avoiding mirrors constantly is proving even harder than it was to begin with and you don’t feel like you fit in anywhere, it’s hard to focus on anything when your whole mind and body are totally consumed by knowing that this isn’t you.

Making friends, falling in love, creating memories, it all feels like a lie when you can’t be who you really are, it feels like a betrayal, not only to your loved ones, but to you, your life feels like a facade.

You’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve had to explain that your actual gender and birth gender don’t match and to feel like you constantly have to take measures to hide any trace that you were born as someone you despise, someone you hate more than anything in the world, because in the moment when you are mis-gendered you feel a complete disassociation with that pronoun, with everything that that one word encompasses.

Every time you go on holiday or apply for jobs you see your birth certificate saying the opposing gender and it kills you inside, wondering why you, why does nobody understand?

With every waking moment you feel that you have to prove every single day that you’re strong enough to fight this, and when the dreaded day comes when you decide you are ready to come out, having to explain to your parents that you’re not their little girl or little boy, and to have to deal with their reactions, their emotions, on top of your own, is like the pressure building in a volcano until the lava begins to trickle out, to try and save an eruption in your mind.

You feel you have to have to explain and justify who you are in every breath that you take, with every movement you make; and you dread each day because with each new person that you meet, you find yourself once again coming out.

One little thing like calling someone by their chose pronoun can make their life so much easier.

Samaya, 22, Herts                                                                               Powered by Youth Connexions

If you are reading this as a young trans* in Herts, or are questioning your gender identity, please come along to our get together that runs on the first Wednesday of every month.  You can find all the information here  http://www.mogolistings.org/Activity/Details/Gendered-Intelligence-Youth-Group-for-the-Young-Transgender-Community-Hertfordshire